My Lack of YOLO

At the tender age of 16, I dreamed that life at 25 would look like this:

  • I would be married to a tall, broad, chestnut headed stunner with a couple of kids
  • I would have my own business and I would have a lot of money
  • I would own a collection of properties around the world
  • I would be at the top of my industry, world famous and revered
  • I would be an adult and have all the answers to life

I turned 26 three months ago and my reality is this:

  • I get a handful of dates and/or nights of casual sex every year with the idea of a semi-permanent relationship just a goal on my vision board. The idea of being married is slightly terrifying and the idea of a couple of kids sucking on my tits and needing my undying attention makes me feel slightly nauseous.
  • I have jumped through multiple industries ranging from waitressing to dancing to being a stablehand and have no friggin clue what I want to do as a career. I have $5000 in savings which is going down faster than I can fill it up.
  • I live with my dad. In the suburbs.
  • I am at the opposite end of being at the top of my industry. I can’t even figure what industry I want to be at the top of.
  • I’m just as confused about life and all her mysteries as I was at 16.

I have just left my job and started university and I gave myself a month in between to be able to think about what I wanted from my life. The scariest thing that came from this exercise is that I don’t know what I want. I’m frightened because this isn’t where I thought I would be and it feels surreal to be living this life. I feel like I failed because I haven’t achieved those ideals that the 16 year old thought of and the paradox is that I don’t particularly want everything she thought I would have. I feel a heavy weight settle on my chest when people ask me questions that I can’t answer such as “why can’t you get a boyfriend” or “what jobs are you looking for”. While in the midst of this minor quarter life break down, the worldly content that comes flowing through to me each day leaves me feeling overwhelmed and I can’t make sense of it all.

I initially thought that I was the only one feeling this way. I would lie in bed or stare morosely out at the freeway as my morning bus would tear towards work. I started to talk to my friends who are in the same age group and they started to open-up and express that they were feeling a lot of the same things I was going through.

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